The Gift of The Blessing

I have been reading a book by Gary Smalley and John Trent entitled The Gift of the Blessing. Both authors are Christian psychologists who specialize in Family and Marriage Counseling.  Leon and I  were privileged to hear Gary and his son Greg at a marriage seminar in Oklahoma City last month, and that is where I picked up the book. The book deals with the importance of the family blessing.  Many instances are cited where people have missed this blessing and have had much difficulty coping with life. The thought I want to bring to you today is not what happened in those peoples lives, but how you can bestow "The Blessing" upon your family and friends. (The Gift of the Blessing, by Gary Smalley and John Trent; Thomas Nelson Publishers ©)

The Blessing has always been a part of the Jewish family and it is usually the oldest patriarch in the family that pronounces a blessing on the rest of the family. In Genesis 27:1-40 we find the story of Isaac blessing Jacob and Esau. Even though the blessing belonged to the older son Esau, Jacob received the blessing because Esau in his hunger had sold the birthright for a pot of soup.  Abraham had blessed Isaac, and as time went on we also see Jacob blessing his twelve sons and his grandsons.  In the Old Testament, we find much value placed on the oldest son and not a lot of value on the female children.  In the New Testament, Jesus called the children to Him and blessed both the boys and the girls.  

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Let's take a closer look at what the Family Blessing included.

1.      The first element of The Blessing is Meaningful Touch.  In Genesis 27:26, we find Isaac saying, "Come near and kiss me, my son."  In most of the blessings we read about, there is kissing, hugging and the laying on of hands. In the New Testament, Jesus took the children upon His knee and laid hands upon them and blessed them.

How important is that in today's world?  Just think about the difference it makes when we spend another five minutes in our greeting time, and how much our countenances change after the hugs and handshakes.  

A study was done in a premature nursery where part of the babies received the usual hands-on treatment but part of the babies received at least 45 minutes a day of infant massage. You guessed it, the babies who received the extra attention gained weight faster that the others.  In another study a doctor did his own study on touch.  As he made his rounds, he would spend the same amount of time at the bedsides of each of his patients but with half of them, he would touch them on the arm or the shoulder as he talked to them, and to the others he only talked.  When the hospital did a final evaluation as the patients left the hospital, they found higher doctor satisfaction among those patients who had been touched. 

In a pain management center, one lady was in great pain but because of the side effects of too large an amount of pain medication, she often had to wait.  When the nurse explained to her what the results would be if she received too much, she said, "Well, can I at least have a hug?" Of course the nurse hugged her, and orders were given to give hugs "as needed."  

It is not always easy to hug your children.  Some, like our daughter Carla, are not huggers -- but find a way to touch that is acceptable to them.  It may be a gentle touch of the shoulder or just holding hands.  Let them know you are there for them.

2.      The second element of The Blessing is the Spoken Message.  In Genesis 1:3, we read that God spoke and the world came into being.  When He sent His Son to communicate His love and complete His plan of salvation it was His Word which " became flesh and dwelt among us. " Abraham spoke a blessing to Isaac, Isaac spoke it to his son Jacob. Jacob spoke it to each of his twelve sons and to two of his grandsons.  In James 3:3-6, we read about the power of the tongue either to bless or to curse.  The old saying, " Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me," is not so.  Words spoken harshly and unfittingly can do great damage, but also words spoken in love can build up and conquer fear.  Don't leave unsaid what you feel because you think your family should know how you feel without telling them.  Proverbs 3:27-28 says it most fittingly.  If we can open our mouths to talk, we have the ability to communicate words of love and acceptance verbally, we do not have to send away a child, spouse or friend in need.

Reasons for not speaking blessings to our children might sound like this.

• I don't want to inflate my child's ego.

• I'm afraid if I praise them, they'll take advantage of me and won't finish their work.

• Communication is too much like work.  I work all day then she expects me to work all night talking to her.

• I just don't know what to say.

• They know I love them without my having to say it.

• If I get started, "I'll have to make a habit of it."

If the truth were known, it could be that we ourselves did not receive this part of the blessing!

Nothing is more satisfying to me than to hear one of my children or my husband say, "I love you"!

3.      The third element of The Blessing is Expressing High Value.  In Hebrews, the word "bless" means to "bow the knee" (show respect and reverence and awe to an important person).  In Scripture we find people were recognized for who they were not simply by their performance. To value something means to attach great importance to it. Anytime we bless someone, we are attaching high value to him or her.  In Psalm 103 David says "Bless the Lord, O my soul; and all that is within me, bless His holy name." In our lives God should be of utmost value to us.  On a scale of 1-10, he should be a 10.  Our relationship with our spouse and family should come just below our relationship with God.  My relationship with my husband comes in at a 9.5 and my father and children come in at 9.4. Yes, it is OK to express high value to our family and friends. This valuing is exactly what the patriarchs in the Old Testament did in blessing their children with the family blessing.  They were attaching high value to them.  We need to do the same thing when we bless our children, spouse or friends, and every person today needs the blessing to feel truly loved and secure about himself or herself.  Placing value is so important that it should be at the heart of every healthy relationship. 

Word pictures were used to describe the value of the child.  Isaac said of Jacob.  "The smell of my son is like the smell of a field which the Lord has blessed."  Isaac also gave his son a word picture of a special future.  "May God give you of the dew of heaven of the fatness of the earth.  Let people serve you and nations bow down to you."

If we only applaud and praise our children when they do something great or win in whatever game they are playing, they may ask themselves, "Am I loved for who I am or only for what I can do?"

Leon's family members were able to bless one another several years ago at Christmas time.  Up to that point, they had been a very competitive family and it seemed were always trying to straighten one another out. Only a month before that, an 11-year-old grand-niece had died; she had been born with a congenital gene disorder.  Our daughter Leann and niece Julie rode with us to Kansas City, to go to the funeral.   While we talked, this matter of competitiveness came up and we talked about how we could change this.  Six weeks later, at Christmas time, Julie brought papers and notebooks for each member of the family with instructions for each of us to write letters of encouragement and talk about the things we admired about each other.  What a beautiful experience that turned out to be!  We still have and cherish those notes.  Even better, the five brothers and sisters who were always trying to straighten each other out, are now a very close family who almost daily (by e-mail) share joys and concerns with each other -- and to my knowledge, not one of them has tried to straighten out the other since then.

Let us look for ways to use special word pictures to show our children and family how much we value them.

4.       The fourth element of The Blessing is Picturing a Special Future for the One Being Blessed.  Today, although we may not be able to predict another's future with Biblical accuracy, and our kids may not want to be told that they smell like the field, we can encourage and help them set meaningful goals.  We can let them know that the gifts and character traits they have right now are attributes that God can bless and use in the future.

Jesus often went to great lengths to assure us of our present relationship with Him and of the abundance of blessings that are in store for us as His children in the future.

In John 14:2-3, we read, "In My Father's house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you.  I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also.

Children are filled with the potential to be all God intended them to be.  It is as if the Lord places them on our doorstep one-day, and we as parents are left as stewards of their ability.  During the years we have children in our home, the words we speak to them can wrap themselves around them like a cocoon.  What we say shapes and develops their thoughts and thinking patterns.  Loving words that picture a special future help children change and develop in a positive way.

5.      The fifth element of The Blessing is a An Active Commitment.  When we bless our children or our family, we have responsibility to confirm the blessing we give.  We must use God's word and the indwelling of the Holy Spirit to guide us do everything possible to help the one being blessed to be successful.

In James 2:15-16 we read, "If a brother or sister is naked and destitute of daily food, and one of you says to them, 'Depart in peace, be warmed and filled,' but you do not give them the things which are needed for the body, what does it profit?"

Children of all ages need the daily "food and clothing" of love and acceptance that the Blessing can provide,  but as we have just read, mere words of blessings are not enough. We need to take action if we are to give the Blessing.  If we "talk the talk" but then fail to put the elements of the blessing into practice in our home, we leave our children undernourished and ill-clothed in their need for love and acceptance.

There are two ways we can make sure we have an active commitment to our children and family.

First we must commit the person being blessed to the Lord.

When we say, "May the Lord bless you," we are recognizing and acknowledging that.  Any strength we have to bestow the Blessing comes from an all-powerful God, and even the very breath of life that we have to speak words of blessing comes from Him.

When we commit our children to the Lord and bless them, it teaches them that God is personally concerned with their life and welfare.  Stressing the fact that the Lord is interested in their being blessed is like introducing them to someone who can be their best friend. He is the Personal Encourager they can draw close to throughout their lives.  Children need the certainty and security that comes from our committing them and their blessing to the Lord.

The second step we can use is to commit our lives to their best interests.  It takes a commitment of our time, energy and resources, and we need to realize that each of our children is different from the others.  Each child has his or her unique set of needs.  Most of us are familiar with the verse that says, "Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it."  Perhaps a good translation would be "Train up a child according to his bent."  The better we know our children and their unique set of needs, the better we will be able to give them their own unique blessing.

We must be willing to do what is best for our children even if it means having to correct them when they are wrong.   Even though it may seem like the opposite of blessing, in actuality we bless our children by providing them with appropriate discipline. It should not surprise us that blessing and discipline go hand in hand.  If we genuinely love someone, we will not allow him or her to stray into sin, or be hurt in some way without trying to correct them.  In Hebrew 12:5-6 the writer reminds us of this when he says "My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord ... for those whom the Lord loves, He disciplines."  Discipline is an important way of actively committing ourselves to a person's best interest.

We must also become a student of those we wish to bless.  Become interested in what they are interested in and learn from them.  In order to do this we must keep an open communication going. Doing things together and going places together are ways to keep communication going.  My husband found out that walking around the section  with our older son was a great way to communicate with him.  I personally found that long car trips with my daughters were a great way to communicate.

It takes hard work, wrapped in the words "active commitment," to provide The Blessing to another person.  It takes time to meaningfully touch and hug our children when they come home from school or before they go to bed.  It takes courage to put into a spoken message those words of love for our spouse that have been on the tip on our tongue.  It takes wisdom and boldness to "bow our knees" to highly value those we love.  It takes creativity to picture a future for them filled with hope and with God's best for their lives.  But all this effort is worthwhile. One day perhaps years later, that blessing will return.  Your children will rise up and bless you just as the scripture in Proverbs 31 says.  What's more, your joy as seeing another person's life bloom and grow because you have been committed to their best is a blessing in itself.  Ideally, the father will give The Blessing to his children, but the mother can certainly do it too, and should do it, if he is not a believer or is absent.

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